I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
