I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
