there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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