i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
