I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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