Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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