I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
COCAINE IS GR8
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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