Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
