The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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