she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
