I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
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we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
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I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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