Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
