i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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