He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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