Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
