tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
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The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I deserve this hangover.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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