I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
