I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
