Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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