I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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