I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
