Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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