She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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