god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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