Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
