I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
