And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I want her autograph on my taint
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
