I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
