i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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