I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
