I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
