They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
