He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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