White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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