i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You did what with his pubic hair?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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