I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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