my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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