I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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