So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
