1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
