We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
