If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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