Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
