And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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