I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
