I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
