I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
