Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
