I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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