I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
