In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
