My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
