i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
