i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You are a genius and a whore.
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