I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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