Banned from zoo.
Again?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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