I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
