can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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