when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
