Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
