whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
