my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
