apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
