She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
