I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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