This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
