My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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